dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
