i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
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