I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
