either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
