He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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