1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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