yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
