I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
