Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
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