Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
