if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Randomize
