I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Randomize
