the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
