I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
