He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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