I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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