I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
