It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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