The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
