someone threw a dead crab at me
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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