I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
