My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
