I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
