I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
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