Can Purell be used as lube?
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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