Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
you will always have a special place in my vag
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Randomize
