I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
