i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
