my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
