I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Randomize
