The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
