i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
