So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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