i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
