Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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