a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
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