I have demons in me.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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