Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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