Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
