Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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