Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
