pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
