it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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