You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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