my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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