i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
