i just wanna soil my oats bro
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
