i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm gonna fight the coyote
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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