turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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