So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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