Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
