my mouth tastes like poor choices
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
