how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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