When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
