FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
