I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
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