if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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